What if the key to being a better leader wasn’t just about what you say, but how your words influence your teams brain chemistry? Every interaction you have, whether it builds trust, fuels engagement, or triggers stress, sparks a chemical reaction in the brain.
Ever heard the saying ‘I have chemistry with that person’?
There’s a reason that sentence exists. Gaining trust and bonding with others is down to releasing the all-important connection chemicals.
Firstly Oxytocin. Oxytocin is the love & trust chemical. It can be released by touch or thinking/talking of loved ones. It builds up within us to form strong relationships and is one of the primary reasons that we shake hands or hug when greeting each other.
Secondly Serotonin. Serotonin is the pride chemical. When we feel valued and proud we release Serotonin which is essential to our relationships. Without it we can close ourselves down and isolate ourselves. Loneliness and depression appear when Serotonin is absent.
Lastly Cortisol: Cortisol is the stress chemical. It is released when we detect a threat or risk and is designed to get us out of danger by preparing our bodies to fight or flight.
It blocks the release of the feel-good chemicals Oxytocin & Serotonin, which then makes it harder for us to trust, like and bond with others and can leave us feeling undervalued and isolated.
Releasing Oxytocin & Serotonin whilst keeping Cortisol at bay is critical to building strong, lasting and loving relationships. Whether with friends, family or work colleagues, it makes no difference.
Understanding Communication Styles
Your communication style determines the kind of chemicals being released in your interactions. There are three primary styles:
- Passive Communication
- Puts others’ needs first at the expense of one’s own.
- Often results in feeling undervalued and unacknowledged.
- Increases Cortisol levels, making collaboration and engagement more difficult.
- Aggressive Communication
- Prioritises one’s own needs forcefully, often at the expense of others.
- Creates tension and resistance, leading to a breakdown in relationships.
- Also triggers Cortisol, making trust nearly impossible to build.
- Assertive Communication (The Ideal Style)
- Balances one’s needs with those of others.
- Expresses thoughts clearly and respectfully, fostering trust and collaboration.
- Releases Oxytocin and Serotonin, strengthening relationships and creating win-win outcomes.
The Power of Assertiveness
Assertive communication should be every leader’s goal. It ensures clarity, respect, and mutual understanding while avoiding the negative effects of Passive or Aggressive styles. The key to assertiveness lies in your internal dialogue, how you view the other person and the situation. If you inherently respect and value the other person, your tone, language, and body language will reflect this, reinforcing a positive relationship.
How To Be More Assertive: The Role of Shared Interests in Communication
One of the biggest pitfalls in leadership communication is focusing solely on your position, your viewpoint, needs, and demands. Instead, shift towards shared interests. This approach:
- Creates common ground.
- Encourages collaboration rather than competition.
- Releases Oxytocin and Serotonin, leading to better outcomes.
Next time you’re in a negotiation or discussion, ask: “What do you need from me to make this happen for you?” You’ll be surprised how this simple shift transforms conversations.
Active Constructive Responding (ACR)
How you respond to someone’s good news impacts your connection. There are four ways to react:
- Passive Destructive – Ignoring the news, making the person feel unimportant.
- Active Destructive – Undermining or dismissing their achievement.
- Passive Constructive – A brief, half-hearted response before shifting focus.
- Active Constructive – Engaging with enthusiasm, asking questions, and showing genuine interest.
Only Active Constructive Responding builds trust and releases Oxytocin and Serotonin. As a leader, ensuring that your team feels valued in their successes fosters long-term engagement and loyalty.
Banning “I Can’t” from Leadership Conversations
The words “I can’t” shut down conversations and create disengagement. Instead, reframe your responses:
- Instead of “I can’t help with that,” say “I can help you in 30 minutes”.
- Instead of “I can’t approve this,” say “Let’s explore what’s possible”.
By focusing on possibilities rather than limitations, you strengthen connections and reinforce a culture of collaboration.
Final Thoughts: Communicate to Connect
Leadership communication isn’t just about delivering messages, it’s about creating relationships, fostering trust, and ensuring people feel valued.
